A Two Martini Knotty Grrl

Food as comfort gift.

Today I cooked up a big batch of my crock pot chili along with some cornbread muffins, to take a sub-contractor that works with Frog.  This guy cut off one of his fingers last week.  Since Frog is also an amputee, he thought it would be nice to show the guy that we care.  Turns out that the doctors managed to reattach this guy's finger and he's already moving it!  That's great!  Frog made the mistake of not cutting enough off of his finger to have a successful reattachment, so he lost from the below the first knuckle on his middle finger of his right hand, for those of you just catching up at home.  It just always reminds me how people use food as a comforting thought.  I love it personally and there's nothing that tastes like a meal someone else made for you just because they care.

Stepping off the platform.

Dammit.  I've been thinking of what to post for days and it keeps just sliding around and disappearing in the sadness that is my memory these days.  I'm just going stream of consciousness tonight because I've got a lot to cover and not much oomph to do it in.

First, I quit my job.  Never saw that one coming did ya?  I think I probably have one of the worst work histories in the history of mankind.  I always think that because I need the money the job will work out for me.  Still waiting for that to happen.  Finally decided that since I'm in school to do something that I actually like that maybe I should just concentrate on that, and we'll scrape by like we always do.  Speaking of school, lots happening there and Bug has been by my side for most of it.  She's actually the unofficial mascot for the club because I'm now co-president and I have to be at all the meetings et al and she's always there with me.  Froggie is pissed because it's the campus Lambda club, and I'm out and about supporting what I feel are basic rights that no one should be denied.  I was in a play last week for the club.  It was rather rough and it would be kind to say that it was sparsely attended but we had fun and it'll be killer when we do it again in the spring.  We really are a house divided, especially when it comes to politics, and I talk a good game of making it work, but damn it's hard sometimes.  Meanwhile I'm sure he's wondering just how far to the left I'm going to continue especially since last night he started asking me if I was "planning on becoming a lesbian."  Which makes me mad on several levels because no one plans their sexual identity, he knew my tendencies when we got together, and does he think that I'm so dumb that I'd tell him if I did have some grand master exit plan?  Which I don't but that's not even the point.  The point is that I'm too damn busy raising kids, trying to show them that elbow grease and compassion may actually change the world, and trying to learn and make myself a better person and all he can worry about is whether I'm ever going to leave him.  Pah.  Next, too much school work and the stress actually caused me to almost faint several times last week.  I've got to get a handle on this and soon.  I've stopped taking the wellbutrin.  I'm too fat and have too many active sweat glands on my own to add something that made me so physically uncomfortable with no real noticeable positive side effects.  i still need my anxiety medications and I'm out so it's been lovely here for the past few days.  which reminds me that we ran into a mom that i actually hadn't spoken to in a year, even though she lives not 10 minutes from me, at a local chain restaurant last night.  She looked exactly the same as the last time that I had seen her, which is fine, but I did the nice thing and said that she looked great, and I'm not shitting you, she just gave me a blank stare after doing a once over of me.  fuck 'em if they can't take a joke right?  i actually stopped calling this woman one day to see how long it would take her to call me back.  she still hasn't called.  turns out that me wanting to be liked by the moms i have known since becoming one has made me that pariah that we all knew in school, the kid who wants to fit in too badly so of course they can't ever fit in.  I'm slowly realizing that i am who i am.  i like me for the most part.  I'm funny at times and i certainly like to have a good time.  I'm also bitchy and irritable and plain crazy but we all have positives and negatives.  I'm going to be me, the me that I'm settling into everyday, the one that I'm finally becoming comfortable with and I'm just going to hope that my kids can make friends better than i can.  finding a babysitter is hard as shit.  even when you just want someone to hang out with your kid while you're home.  ugh.  it's making me crazy.  the bathroom remodel is finally chugging along again but since we're paying cash as we go it's slower some months than others.  Bean is doing really well and he's talking up a storm when he wants to say something.  He's still performing way behind and has his unintelligible moments/hours/days but every improvement is just that so I'm taking it positively.  I'm worried about his school environment because of a very violent child in his classroom and I've voiced my concerns to the director.  Then I found out that Bean's teacher, who is fantastic with the kids and especially with Bean, has told the director that the other child needs to go or she's leaving.  I have thought that the other kid needed the boot a month ago but I understand trying to work with the child.  At some point losses must be cut however.  Shit, my kid got kicked out of a preschool for holding his breath and turning blue.  This kid that I'm talking about bites and kicks and beats the tar out of kids and teachers alike.  I found a group of moms in my county and I'm hoping that this one works out better than the last one.  I'm going to not try as hard and maybe it'll help too that they don't think that my town's location is the equivalent of BFE, especially since several of them live here.  They may prove to be an awfully churchy lot but I've not hung out enough to know that yet.  The bond is an especially different one because this group all has kids with special needs and we can poke fun at the tough times in a way that people with only "typical" kids can't.  That part made me happy at the first gathering that i went to.  Also, it'll be nice to be able to bring Bean to a play date and not have to apologize for him or worry the entire time what other people are thinking or saying about him and me for that matter.  These women know.  It's not "bad parenting." 

Wow.  i got a lot out and now my brain hurts.  my heart hurts as well because people that I love are hurting right now and sometimes in far away locales where I can't help and others where i am have hurt me.  Whether unintentionally or not I can't say but damn i can feel mighty lonely these days. 

And one of my favorite bloggers has gone missing.  has anyone seen Sarah these days?  did she move and not leave a forwarding address?  I'm quite concerned.

Mental Vomit.

I suck.  I moved my blog because I was uncomfortable with where it was before and now it seems to have crippled me.  So I'm just diving in with both feet here and letting out what's building up here.

I'm back in school and taking two online courses.  I thought this would be easy.  Yes, that is the maniacal laughter of the universe you hear as the soundtrack to my last statement.  Bug has decided that it is not possible for me to set her down if she's awake.  She also has decided that paper is the most delectable item on the planet so I can't put a book near her to study because then I end up with soggy dendrites or ledgers.  I actually like the classes but I can't get enough time to study except after 8 p.m. and truthfully?  I'm exhausted by 8 p.m. these days. 

I went to my 10 year high school reunion last weekend.  Learned two important lessons.  One:  Cocktail night only, the picnic the next day had no booze so no one mingled.  Two:  Do not think that because I am drinking beer that I will not throw up.  Seriously, what am I?  19 again?  I had to have the driver of my conveyance pull over so I could puke on a public street.  But what makes that even better is that mere minutes later one of my best girlfriends from high school asked him to pull over so she could piss.  In the middle of the street.  Then five-oh rolled up on us.  It really did feel like high school.  Except I didn't drink in high school.  But everything else was the same.  It was really nice to see the few people that showed up and that I wanted to see.  Some people are doctors, architects, et cetera.  But some are fat and some show their meanness on their faces.  So it all works out somehow.  Surprisingly, I was the only one with dreads.  I'm a lot heavier than I was my senior year so at least I got to provide everyone with a "she got so fat" story to take home.

Bean has a diagnosis finally and while it makes me love him not one iota less it does bother me.  I thought I had already "grieved" for the "normalcy" he doesn't get automatically but I was wrong.  I sobbed for an hour today because seeing the words in black and white from the doctor was just so permanent.  I'm not really sure that I'm ready to share yet because I got burnt the last time, even though I only have four faithful readers anymore but I may be less weird about it later.  (Hi y'all!)  :o)

I'm working and so far I'm hating it.  It takes so much time and the kids I work with have so many problems and Bean seems to bringing them all home with him.  I'm not sure that it's worth the measly money that it's paying.  I've already brought up the possibility of quitting to Froggie.  He's on the fence because we need the money but I'm at the point where something has got to give and that came on board last.  Also, I'm not quitting going to school which is something I love, to work at a job I hate.

Froggie just came in here to argue semantics over Bean's report from the head doctor and he totally fucked up my train of thought.  I'm going to do what I am supposed to be doing anyway, studying.  More later.

Rearends.

I am a ninny.  I rear-ended a lady today  (8-29) coming home from work.   

Taken on too much . . . maybe?

My decidedly slow posting schedule is  coinciding with the fact that I think I may have overextended myself.  Again.  Turns out that I have either a) a superiority complex which makes me think that I can do everything all at once or b) an inability to say no when asked to perform a task. 

Currently, I am working.  That's not too bad right?  Just 16-20 hours a week.  Problem is that the personnel got all screwed up, and now Bug can't stay with me like it was originally agreed, and that's screwing up all of her schedules.  It's always screwing up Frog's schedule.  But I'm not sure that's so bad especially since he's back into workaholic mode at his job.  I'm still steamed at the employees who bring their sick kids into work too.  I have now donated my own bottle of sanitizer and I spray down every surface before I set my child down anywhere.  I'm not a germaphobe but these kids seem to breed super viruses.  My Bug has now had a fever for 8 days.  She had to be catheterized and have blood drawn for them to tell me that it's a virus. 

We're big on letting our kids find their natural schedule and then pretty much making it law, at least in the beginning.  Until they change it again anyway!  By the time they get to be Bean's age (he's currently 3 but this rule has been in play since he was 2), the schedule is the schedule and that's just that.  There are days when we do family things and stay out way past his bedtime, but if you never get to break the rules then you never get that special feeling, right?  That's my view of it anyway.  Rules are meant to be broken sometimes, it's in our very natures.  Or at least mine and Forage's.  :o)  A healthy disrespect for toeing the line your entire life is a good thing.  I'm still working on that.  I have to give more credit to Frog for helping me to enjoy those times instead of worrying about what might happen. 

Anyway,  I also start back to school on the 28th.  I thought that this on-line thing would be perfect, mostly because I can't find care for Bug yet.  I'm not really ready to let her go anyway, because she's not fully mobile, and I have fears of her just being put in some device and left to scream for ages.  But now I'm worried that I won't be able to actually find the time I need to devote to the class, between her naps and all the other duties that come with attending to her and her brother. 

Unrelated but she and I just hung out on my bed today and laughed and she rolled over and then wanted back on top of me to roll off again, and she kept laughing with that gummy mouth . .. it just slayed me.  It was the among the best minutes of my day.  Second time was when I got quality time tonight was with Bean.  We took a great big whirlpool bath together and just laughed and popped bubbles and slid around.  I want to remember these things when they are teenagers and then gone.  It all flies so fast.  It's so cliche but so true at the same time.

I don't notice the first med the doc put me on working at all.  The anti-anxiety is the only thing that seems to put the demons at bay but I'm only supposed to take it at night.  I think I may need something different or an ability to maybe break them up throughout my day.  Why do I always lose my mind at 4 months PP?  Pretty sure there will not be a third.  This makes me said but the odds are too high for me to feel comfortable rolling the dice right now.  Maybe when I get better educated it will change.  At any rate, this does leave me open to be a gestational surrogate which I have always felt a calling to do, especially since I have wonderfully easy pregnancies.  Can you think of something more great than being the vessel that gives some parents the child they want so much?  I can't.

Off to do dread maintenance now.  Not my favorite thing but it's a necessary evil.  Oh, reconnected with an old acquaintance this week and that was really nice.  Reminded me that I'm not a total oddball and maybe, just maybe, I've been trying to fit in with the wrong crowd before.

Oh, and Vote No on TN 1.  Or whatever backwoods amendment your state has cooked up to take rights away from citizens.  Period.  Constitutions were meant to give freedoms, not take them away.

Of me and meds.

It turns out that I'm not really good at posting when I run out of meds and then finally refill the script, only to then forget to take them.  I also stop sleeping and get really pissy because of the withdrawal. 

Some news came down the pipeline about Bean the other day and I'm still having trouble dealing with it.  It doesn't help that Froggie keeps "poo-poo'ing" it in it's entirety.  Sometimes he makes me completely crazy.  This new diagnosis means a new IEP and fighting with the school district for more therapies.  Ugh.  I'm so tired.  I know it's my job to make sure that my kid gets what he needs to be successful in life but damn it all, the hits just keep coming.  I feel like a blow up clown that we had as kids; it had a weight in the bottom so when you hit it it would go down but then it would pop right back up.  Only I'm having trouble with the popping back up part.

I think that Bug has an ear infection that was probably gotten from a virus brought by one of the women's kids at my job, because this particular woman will not keep her sick children at home.  AARRGGGHHHH.  At any rate she has a fever and a personality to match a prickly pear at the moment so I get to go to the stupid ped's office AGAIN tomorrow.  She is making me very angry because she won't let me put her down at all.  Stupid of me to get angry at someone who can't help it.

I know I promised to talk more about myself but I have to go because she won't stop screaming.  Fuck.  This just sucks.

Of naps and work.

I would like to set the record straight.  I love naps.  I always have.  I believe that they should be a mandatory part of every day.  This happens not as frequently as I would like with two kids on different schedules in the house so I'm very tired right now.

I started my new job yesterday.  I hadn't even worked a full shift and I was told that the only perk to this job may be taken away.  Which means that I may not be working there much longer.  I was also told that my hours are being cut in half already.  The big perk is that I can bring my kids with me.  And the other one is that some of the work I can do from home.  That's especially helpful right now since the amount of paperwork and training films I have to watch is outrageous!  That means I don't have to pay for daycare and the money I make can actually come home to pay bills.  They are only paying me slightly more than minimum wage, so it really would not be cost efficient if they say that I can't bring them.  Funny thing is that ALL of the staff work there because of the "bring your kid(s)" bonus.  It certainly isn't the money by itself!  I definitely feel weird about working so soon after having my daughter.  My husband came and picked her up for the last two hours of my shift yesterday and it was really odd to wonder how she was doing.  As it turns out that she was not doing so well and that made my heart hurt when I got home.

In other news, I've decided on pseudonyms for my family members:  My husband shall be referred to as Frog or Froggie, my son will be Bean (as in jumping since that was my nickname for him in utero!), and my daughter will be Bug (as in cute as!).  I'm just lazy and tired of writing out husband, son, daughter so there.

I am also attempting to write more about me and less about them.  So in the news of I'm years behind the rest of the planet . . . I picked up a Sudoku book at one of the multiple airports we went through on our vacation and I love this game!  Admittedly, I suck, but I think it'll be good to try and rewire my brain this way!  By I suck, I mean it's an EASY level book and I can take up to 15 minutes to do one puzzle.  Hey, everyone started somewhere.

Also, I was approached by the director that I performed for earlier this year in my college's performance of The Vagina Monologues and she said that she really hoped that I could be involved again.  I had Bean in a stroller and Bug on my chest in a carrier when she said this and I just thought that it was hilarious.  I'm not sure that'll happen.  I was a million months pregnant for the last production, and I was one of two, out of 10, that was actually doing any work for it. I love the idea and we raised a little over $1,300 for the local women's shelter but I have to learn when to say no and this may be where it starts.  Also, no one who said they would come and see me perform, except for my beloved Frog, came out and that hurt my feelings more than I told anyone.  The only one who is exempt is my friend X. (she can choose her own pseudonym) who is Kenya serving the Peace Corps right now.  I got it on DVD for her once she comes back.  :o)

Final Note:  Meds not working.  I don't see the NP again until next week.  No idea where to go from here.