A Two Martini Knotty Grrl

No refills.

Right now I hate my FNP.  This will go away on Monday when I make her give me new prescriptions.  It's not completely her fault.  I do wonder why she doesn't just write me damn refills on my meds instead of insisting on seeing me every month even though I don't have insurance, but it was MY fault for not noticing that my meds ran out the day before Thanksgiving.  I have a splitting headache, I've broken into sobbing twice already this morning, and it's not even noon yet, I just realized that I basically have one week to complete three weeks worth of school work, and I'm feeling slightly homicidal towards the last babysitter that fucked me over. 

Then both my kids decided that they HAD to sleep with us last night.  I was sweating the entire time, from the amazing BTUs that all my family members emit, add the fact that everyone except me is a thrasher, and you end up seeing that I got no sleep at all. 

Oh, and did I tell you that the IRS is threatening to take my mom's house?  The one that we live in?  Did you know that they take everything when the padlock the doors except a few clothes and school books?  I love my kids.  I will not be a selfish idiot like my parents.  I will not.  Now we have to figure out where to move to before the IRS comes to take the house.  On top of everything else. 

But, I have lots of pie.  I may lose my mind but my Candida will have a good couple of days.  I may get some wine to make them even happier.

Did anyone get the number of that truck?

That's what I have felt like for the last week.  I totally fell off the NaBloPoMo wagon people.  I suppose after my rehab stay I can let the tabloids back onto my lawn to photograph me "accidentally" getting the newspaper in my thong set.  At the moment I am being mistaken more for Sideshow Bob  than any celebrity stickbug.  I would never be mistaken for a star because I am much too fat anyway.

I am desperately trying to get caught up for school and to pull my grades up and my newest babysitter just flaked out on me.  What the fuck?  This must be karma for all the fucked up job shit that I've ever pulled.  I'm getting it back in spades I tell you. 

I have both kids at home today and Thanksgiving has been moved to my house.  This will be my first ever attempt to cook a turkey.  I'm actually really excited because I love to feed people!  Also, I've never done this before so I'm not burned out on it.

Public Toilet Etiquette.

I know many words have probably already been devoted to this topic but I'm going to add a few more.  When you go into a public restroom with 8 stalls, do not sit down in the one next to me.  Especially on a day when I had a colon-therapy appointment and cannot be held accountable for what is happening.  You made my butt hurt and I don't appreciate that.  The heavy breathing that you did while you took 5 minutes to pee was icky too.  It's always embarrassing to come out of a stall and have to face the person who was next to you in that situation.  I'm just sayin'.

Timing is everything.

I changed up when I take my new meds, after consulting with my FNP of course, and I have almost completely eliminated the awful compulsive yawning that was occurring all day long.  I'm very happy about this change.

I did my civic duty and I voted today.  This involved hauling my hungover self, my two kids, and my mom to the polls at slightly after 7 am.  This is not something that I would recommend to the faint of heart.  I kept eyeballing possible places to throw up while Bean ran around like a crazy person, and Bug just clung to me like a barnacle.  Frog came too but he drove himself since he was going straight on to work afterward.

Of course, taking Bean to the polls and then to school threw off his routine so I ended up spending almost 15 minutes in his classroom getting him to not bolt out the door again, like he did the first two times that I wasn't quick enough to catch him, and just trying to calm him down.  Apparently this didn't last long because he had a very rough day which included changing his clothes twice.  Poor guy.  He needs his routines and it's so hard on him when the least little thing changes.

Fruity Pebbles.

Man, I am blogging about something I normally don't even talk about, but this experience with the colon hydro-therapy is really turning out to be very interesting.  I won't go into too much detail but I am having a lot of unidentifiable chunks of funkiness that previously were adhered to the wall of my intestine come on out and I've lost 7 pounds since yesterday.  I can't wait until my next session to see what else happens!  Another thing that is really cool, but in a disgusting way, is how while I'm in a session I can watch the "debris" come out through a glass tube.  The fascination comes in part from the same place that makes me turn around and look after I poo.  I think that most people do look, even if they don't want to there is some sort of compulsion to see what our bodies produce.   Gross, gross, gross, I know.  But still fascinating. 

In other news, one of my babysitters is a complete freak and I'm wondering if I should even keep hiring her.  The other babysitter is not even skilled enough to change diapers and he talks too much but at least he always shows up.

Big decisions brewing about school next semester.  I think that I may take the semester off.  I'm just feeling too much pressure right now, and I think I went back too soon after having Bug.  I know lots of people do it and succeed, but I really do have a very full plate when you throw my mom and her cancer into the mix.  That's what I keep telling myself so I don't feel like a complete failure anyway.

Company.

I sure hope that I can do a better job than this in November.  I blame good company and wine for my lack of posts over the weekend.  That and some accounting homework that absolutely must be turned in this morning.

Odd, odd, odd.

Okay, so I saw my babysitter on campus today and she was throwing up behind some bushes.  Weird huh?  I really think she's sweet but she's got some very odd behavior and I'm not entirely sure that I would leave her completely alone with my kids.  That's not usually a good sign is it?

I'm posting a quick one today for my one-a-day practice because I'm actually supposed to be writing my 3 page paper for psych right now, because it's due immediately.

From school to hospital in one step.

Man, what I wouldn't give to live somewhere that the school district wasn't in such a financial mess that they began a kid's IEP with trying to kick them out of the program.  We had Bean's IEP review today, because we have the new diagnosis and because his SLP through the district said that he's met all of the original goals so she thinks we should just stop and "observe" him.  Luckily she's still going to see him twice a month but I made sure that a provision is in place where if he regresses at all then we go back to the original schedule and I'm keeping him in the private therapy as long as I can.

This just sucks because all I want is to make sure that Bean gets what he needs to be successful in school, as well as in life, and the district is telling me that "their limits are xyz" and they can't help until "this, that, and the other" are all aligned with Mars in the 7th House.  To top it all off Frog has not agreed with any of this, I need to specify that I mean in it's entirety because even he realizes that our boy has some very pronounced quirks, so I feel like I'm fighting him to even get to a place where I can fight for Bean.  It all makes me tired. 

I started a new med on Saturday.  It is a third of the cost of the last one so I'm already happier!  We'll see how well it works but if it can help with the anxiety and the depression we'll be a lot better off.

My mom is back in the hospital.  I had to take her to the ER on Saturday.  Now she needs another operation but they are so worried about infection, because she has no white blood cells from the chemo, that they have had her on mega IV antibiotics for the last 4 days.  They wouldn't operate on her until they could get enough pumped in to try to help reduce the possibility of infection.  Meanwhile I'm a bit of a schmuck because I haven't gone to see her yet.  I'm sorry but this is the 13th or 14th time we've been on this ride, and it's gotten old.  I now have to haul two kids, 3 and under, an hour into the city to visit for the 5 minutes that I'll get before Bean gets on her nerves or attempts to climb into bed with her and makes her do that awful fake moaning that she does to garner sympathy.  Which no longer works on me as it is intended as it now incites rage.  Anyway, it's not worth the hassle to visit.  I feel awful having even typed that sentence but it's true.

Psych and a new woman.

I think I've finally found a woman to hang out with Bug while I study two days a week.  She's sweet and nice and she smells good.  The last part has nothing to do with anything except my personal obsession with scents.  She's also drop dead gorgeous and makes me feel like a troll, but I can deal since she'll show up and my girl likes her!  Although to be fair, she did meet me and gush about how much she loves my hair.  See?  Nice! 

I actually left the house tonight and went to the local Internet/coffee house to do my homework for psych.  Wow.  That place was chock full of . . . well, there's no nice way to say this but, weirdos.  Lots and lots of weirdos.  The back part of the store had about 10 PCs that were set up for gaming and apparently a bunch of the kids were playing together because occasionally (meaning every 2 seconds or so) I would hear someone warning someone else to "get the fuck out of the room" or "dude, that sucks, you're dead now!"  And the counter help was just as odd.  I used to work at a coffee shop many lives ago and I am very sure that I did not act like those employees.  Whatever though because the tea is excellent, the WI-FI is free, and the chicken salad could use mustard and some fresh black pepper.  It pissed Frog off something fierce that I left the house to study.  I'm trying to make a point that I need separate time from our darlings to study effectively.

I went to meet up with the new moms group this morning.  They rock so far.  The ones I have met so far are all very nice, and I'll deal with the extra side of church to feel totally accepted for the first time in ages.

Stepping off the platform.

Dammit.  I've been thinking of what to post for days and it keeps just sliding around and disappearing in the sadness that is my memory these days.  I'm just going stream of consciousness tonight because I've got a lot to cover and not much oomph to do it in.

First, I quit my job.  Never saw that one coming did ya?  I think I probably have one of the worst work histories in the history of mankind.  I always think that because I need the money the job will work out for me.  Still waiting for that to happen.  Finally decided that since I'm in school to do something that I actually like that maybe I should just concentrate on that, and we'll scrape by like we always do.  Speaking of school, lots happening there and Bug has been by my side for most of it.  She's actually the unofficial mascot for the club because I'm now co-president and I have to be at all the meetings et al and she's always there with me.  Froggie is pissed because it's the campus Lambda club, and I'm out and about supporting what I feel are basic rights that no one should be denied.  I was in a play last week for the club.  It was rather rough and it would be kind to say that it was sparsely attended but we had fun and it'll be killer when we do it again in the spring.  We really are a house divided, especially when it comes to politics, and I talk a good game of making it work, but damn it's hard sometimes.  Meanwhile I'm sure he's wondering just how far to the left I'm going to continue especially since last night he started asking me if I was "planning on becoming a lesbian."  Which makes me mad on several levels because no one plans their sexual identity, he knew my tendencies when we got together, and does he think that I'm so dumb that I'd tell him if I did have some grand master exit plan?  Which I don't but that's not even the point.  The point is that I'm too damn busy raising kids, trying to show them that elbow grease and compassion may actually change the world, and trying to learn and make myself a better person and all he can worry about is whether I'm ever going to leave him.  Pah.  Next, too much school work and the stress actually caused me to almost faint several times last week.  I've got to get a handle on this and soon.  I've stopped taking the wellbutrin.  I'm too fat and have too many active sweat glands on my own to add something that made me so physically uncomfortable with no real noticeable positive side effects.  i still need my anxiety medications and I'm out so it's been lovely here for the past few days.  which reminds me that we ran into a mom that i actually hadn't spoken to in a year, even though she lives not 10 minutes from me, at a local chain restaurant last night.  She looked exactly the same as the last time that I had seen her, which is fine, but I did the nice thing and said that she looked great, and I'm not shitting you, she just gave me a blank stare after doing a once over of me.  fuck 'em if they can't take a joke right?  i actually stopped calling this woman one day to see how long it would take her to call me back.  she still hasn't called.  turns out that me wanting to be liked by the moms i have known since becoming one has made me that pariah that we all knew in school, the kid who wants to fit in too badly so of course they can't ever fit in.  I'm slowly realizing that i am who i am.  i like me for the most part.  I'm funny at times and i certainly like to have a good time.  I'm also bitchy and irritable and plain crazy but we all have positives and negatives.  I'm going to be me, the me that I'm settling into everyday, the one that I'm finally becoming comfortable with and I'm just going to hope that my kids can make friends better than i can.  finding a babysitter is hard as shit.  even when you just want someone to hang out with your kid while you're home.  ugh.  it's making me crazy.  the bathroom remodel is finally chugging along again but since we're paying cash as we go it's slower some months than others.  Bean is doing really well and he's talking up a storm when he wants to say something.  He's still performing way behind and has his unintelligible moments/hours/days but every improvement is just that so I'm taking it positively.  I'm worried about his school environment because of a very violent child in his classroom and I've voiced my concerns to the director.  Then I found out that Bean's teacher, who is fantastic with the kids and especially with Bean, has told the director that the other child needs to go or she's leaving.  I have thought that the other kid needed the boot a month ago but I understand trying to work with the child.  At some point losses must be cut however.  Shit, my kid got kicked out of a preschool for holding his breath and turning blue.  This kid that I'm talking about bites and kicks and beats the tar out of kids and teachers alike.  I found a group of moms in my county and I'm hoping that this one works out better than the last one.  I'm going to not try as hard and maybe it'll help too that they don't think that my town's location is the equivalent of BFE, especially since several of them live here.  They may prove to be an awfully churchy lot but I've not hung out enough to know that yet.  The bond is an especially different one because this group all has kids with special needs and we can poke fun at the tough times in a way that people with only "typical" kids can't.  That part made me happy at the first gathering that i went to.  Also, it'll be nice to be able to bring Bean to a play date and not have to apologize for him or worry the entire time what other people are thinking or saying about him and me for that matter.  These women know.  It's not "bad parenting." 

Wow.  i got a lot out and now my brain hurts.  my heart hurts as well because people that I love are hurting right now and sometimes in far away locales where I can't help and others where i am have hurt me.  Whether unintentionally or not I can't say but damn i can feel mighty lonely these days. 

And one of my favorite bloggers has gone missing.  has anyone seen Sarah these days?  did she move and not leave a forwarding address?  I'm quite concerned.