A Two Martini Knotty Grrl

Jumble, Jumble.

Frog told me yesterday that he thinks that I'm "lazy," and that I'm "milking" my mother's death to avoid housework.  The honest truth is that I don't want to clean right now.  I don't want to worry about the stupid 65 gallon aquarium, and the community within it.  I don't want to pare down our belongings for when the IRS takes our house.  I don't want to balance the checkbook.  What I want, and am unable to have, is to curl into a fetal position and heave myself about, with soul-wracking sobs and screams for the loss of my mother. 

No matter how complicated my relationship with my mother, and it surely was complicated, she was my mom.  I'm only 29.  I will have questions for what could be 60 years that I will want to ask my mom.  She wasn't the same since she got sick, but she was still smart.  And even if I didn't take the "advice,"  there was something in the asking that could soothe my soul about my own, albeit very different, answer.

It also turns out that my mom was one of the few people in my life who could redirect me when I freaked out over the big picture.  She could give me one simple task to complete, I would complete it, and it would calm me.  If I got wound up again after that task, she would give me the next task that needed to be done, and I would complete it, and usually that was enough to get me going.  Now I have to beg friends, and even pay people, to help me with the tasks that Frog wants completed.  This is because I am freaking out over the big pictures, and I can't see the trees for the forest.  The pressure I feel is so huge that I have contemplated being hospitalized, even without insurance!!, to get some time away to grieve.  I figure that's probably a sign that it's pretty bad.  I really need to consider asking the doc to up my meds dosage for at least a while.

A big shout out to B., and her entire family, for having me and the kids over today for a lovely time in the country, where Bean could run wild, Bug could pretend to be shy, and I could talk.  I needed that tranquil spot, and it's so very appreciated.  I didn't even know how much I needed it until we were there and overstaying our welcome.

Another very personal thanks to B. for helping me with my part in my latest play.  Listening to my lines as they are meant to be said is proving so helpful that I think the director will be ecstatic!

No refills.

Right now I hate my FNP.  This will go away on Monday when I make her give me new prescriptions.  It's not completely her fault.  I do wonder why she doesn't just write me damn refills on my meds instead of insisting on seeing me every month even though I don't have insurance, but it was MY fault for not noticing that my meds ran out the day before Thanksgiving.  I have a splitting headache, I've broken into sobbing twice already this morning, and it's not even noon yet, I just realized that I basically have one week to complete three weeks worth of school work, and I'm feeling slightly homicidal towards the last babysitter that fucked me over. 

Then both my kids decided that they HAD to sleep with us last night.  I was sweating the entire time, from the amazing BTUs that all my family members emit, add the fact that everyone except me is a thrasher, and you end up seeing that I got no sleep at all. 

Oh, and did I tell you that the IRS is threatening to take my mom's house?  The one that we live in?  Did you know that they take everything when the padlock the doors except a few clothes and school books?  I love my kids.  I will not be a selfish idiot like my parents.  I will not.  Now we have to figure out where to move to before the IRS comes to take the house.  On top of everything else. 

But, I have lots of pie.  I may lose my mind but my Candida will have a good couple of days.  I may get some wine to make them even happier.

Timing is everything.

I changed up when I take my new meds, after consulting with my FNP of course, and I have almost completely eliminated the awful compulsive yawning that was occurring all day long.  I'm very happy about this change.

I did my civic duty and I voted today.  This involved hauling my hungover self, my two kids, and my mom to the polls at slightly after 7 am.  This is not something that I would recommend to the faint of heart.  I kept eyeballing possible places to throw up while Bean ran around like a crazy person, and Bug just clung to me like a barnacle.  Frog came too but he drove himself since he was going straight on to work afterward.

Of course, taking Bean to the polls and then to school threw off his routine so I ended up spending almost 15 minutes in his classroom getting him to not bolt out the door again, like he did the first two times that I wasn't quick enough to catch him, and just trying to calm him down.  Apparently this didn't last long because he had a very rough day which included changing his clothes twice.  Poor guy.  He needs his routines and it's so hard on him when the least little thing changes.

Tired scalp.

I'm exhausted all the time right now.  I have no idea if it's because sleep seems to always be the first thing to go or if it's the new meds.  Either way my idea of a perfect day right now involves about 16-18 hours of sleep.  I don't even need it all at once.  But 10 straight hours followed by several naps would do me just fine.

Also, I had my first appointment with the woman is fixing my dreads today and, well, let's just say that she underbid the job.  She originally estimated 10 hours of work to fix them and now it's considerably higher than that.  It's so bad that she's actually coming to my house on Wednesday to do some work.  Well, that, and it'll be easier on Bug to be at her own house then at the salon where she can't really touch stuff or move around a lot.

Onward and upward we go.

From school to hospital in one step.

Man, what I wouldn't give to live somewhere that the school district wasn't in such a financial mess that they began a kid's IEP with trying to kick them out of the program.  We had Bean's IEP review today, because we have the new diagnosis and because his SLP through the district said that he's met all of the original goals so she thinks we should just stop and "observe" him.  Luckily she's still going to see him twice a month but I made sure that a provision is in place where if he regresses at all then we go back to the original schedule and I'm keeping him in the private therapy as long as I can.

This just sucks because all I want is to make sure that Bean gets what he needs to be successful in school, as well as in life, and the district is telling me that "their limits are xyz" and they can't help until "this, that, and the other" are all aligned with Mars in the 7th House.  To top it all off Frog has not agreed with any of this, I need to specify that I mean in it's entirety because even he realizes that our boy has some very pronounced quirks, so I feel like I'm fighting him to even get to a place where I can fight for Bean.  It all makes me tired. 

I started a new med on Saturday.  It is a third of the cost of the last one so I'm already happier!  We'll see how well it works but if it can help with the anxiety and the depression we'll be a lot better off.

My mom is back in the hospital.  I had to take her to the ER on Saturday.  Now she needs another operation but they are so worried about infection, because she has no white blood cells from the chemo, that they have had her on mega IV antibiotics for the last 4 days.  They wouldn't operate on her until they could get enough pumped in to try to help reduce the possibility of infection.  Meanwhile I'm a bit of a schmuck because I haven't gone to see her yet.  I'm sorry but this is the 13th or 14th time we've been on this ride, and it's gotten old.  I now have to haul two kids, 3 and under, an hour into the city to visit for the 5 minutes that I'll get before Bean gets on her nerves or attempts to climb into bed with her and makes her do that awful fake moaning that she does to garner sympathy.  Which no longer works on me as it is intended as it now incites rage.  Anyway, it's not worth the hassle to visit.  I feel awful having even typed that sentence but it's true.

Stepping off the platform.

Dammit.  I've been thinking of what to post for days and it keeps just sliding around and disappearing in the sadness that is my memory these days.  I'm just going stream of consciousness tonight because I've got a lot to cover and not much oomph to do it in.

First, I quit my job.  Never saw that one coming did ya?  I think I probably have one of the worst work histories in the history of mankind.  I always think that because I need the money the job will work out for me.  Still waiting for that to happen.  Finally decided that since I'm in school to do something that I actually like that maybe I should just concentrate on that, and we'll scrape by like we always do.  Speaking of school, lots happening there and Bug has been by my side for most of it.  She's actually the unofficial mascot for the club because I'm now co-president and I have to be at all the meetings et al and she's always there with me.  Froggie is pissed because it's the campus Lambda club, and I'm out and about supporting what I feel are basic rights that no one should be denied.  I was in a play last week for the club.  It was rather rough and it would be kind to say that it was sparsely attended but we had fun and it'll be killer when we do it again in the spring.  We really are a house divided, especially when it comes to politics, and I talk a good game of making it work, but damn it's hard sometimes.  Meanwhile I'm sure he's wondering just how far to the left I'm going to continue especially since last night he started asking me if I was "planning on becoming a lesbian."  Which makes me mad on several levels because no one plans their sexual identity, he knew my tendencies when we got together, and does he think that I'm so dumb that I'd tell him if I did have some grand master exit plan?  Which I don't but that's not even the point.  The point is that I'm too damn busy raising kids, trying to show them that elbow grease and compassion may actually change the world, and trying to learn and make myself a better person and all he can worry about is whether I'm ever going to leave him.  Pah.  Next, too much school work and the stress actually caused me to almost faint several times last week.  I've got to get a handle on this and soon.  I've stopped taking the wellbutrin.  I'm too fat and have too many active sweat glands on my own to add something that made me so physically uncomfortable with no real noticeable positive side effects.  i still need my anxiety medications and I'm out so it's been lovely here for the past few days.  which reminds me that we ran into a mom that i actually hadn't spoken to in a year, even though she lives not 10 minutes from me, at a local chain restaurant last night.  She looked exactly the same as the last time that I had seen her, which is fine, but I did the nice thing and said that she looked great, and I'm not shitting you, she just gave me a blank stare after doing a once over of me.  fuck 'em if they can't take a joke right?  i actually stopped calling this woman one day to see how long it would take her to call me back.  she still hasn't called.  turns out that me wanting to be liked by the moms i have known since becoming one has made me that pariah that we all knew in school, the kid who wants to fit in too badly so of course they can't ever fit in.  I'm slowly realizing that i am who i am.  i like me for the most part.  I'm funny at times and i certainly like to have a good time.  I'm also bitchy and irritable and plain crazy but we all have positives and negatives.  I'm going to be me, the me that I'm settling into everyday, the one that I'm finally becoming comfortable with and I'm just going to hope that my kids can make friends better than i can.  finding a babysitter is hard as shit.  even when you just want someone to hang out with your kid while you're home.  ugh.  it's making me crazy.  the bathroom remodel is finally chugging along again but since we're paying cash as we go it's slower some months than others.  Bean is doing really well and he's talking up a storm when he wants to say something.  He's still performing way behind and has his unintelligible moments/hours/days but every improvement is just that so I'm taking it positively.  I'm worried about his school environment because of a very violent child in his classroom and I've voiced my concerns to the director.  Then I found out that Bean's teacher, who is fantastic with the kids and especially with Bean, has told the director that the other child needs to go or she's leaving.  I have thought that the other kid needed the boot a month ago but I understand trying to work with the child.  At some point losses must be cut however.  Shit, my kid got kicked out of a preschool for holding his breath and turning blue.  This kid that I'm talking about bites and kicks and beats the tar out of kids and teachers alike.  I found a group of moms in my county and I'm hoping that this one works out better than the last one.  I'm going to not try as hard and maybe it'll help too that they don't think that my town's location is the equivalent of BFE, especially since several of them live here.  They may prove to be an awfully churchy lot but I've not hung out enough to know that yet.  The bond is an especially different one because this group all has kids with special needs and we can poke fun at the tough times in a way that people with only "typical" kids can't.  That part made me happy at the first gathering that i went to.  Also, it'll be nice to be able to bring Bean to a play date and not have to apologize for him or worry the entire time what other people are thinking or saying about him and me for that matter.  These women know.  It's not "bad parenting." 

Wow.  i got a lot out and now my brain hurts.  my heart hurts as well because people that I love are hurting right now and sometimes in far away locales where I can't help and others where i am have hurt me.  Whether unintentionally or not I can't say but damn i can feel mighty lonely these days. 

And one of my favorite bloggers has gone missing.  has anyone seen Sarah these days?  did she move and not leave a forwarding address?  I'm quite concerned.

Taken on too much . . . maybe?

My decidedly slow posting schedule is  coinciding with the fact that I think I may have overextended myself.  Again.  Turns out that I have either a) a superiority complex which makes me think that I can do everything all at once or b) an inability to say no when asked to perform a task. 

Currently, I am working.  That's not too bad right?  Just 16-20 hours a week.  Problem is that the personnel got all screwed up, and now Bug can't stay with me like it was originally agreed, and that's screwing up all of her schedules.  It's always screwing up Frog's schedule.  But I'm not sure that's so bad especially since he's back into workaholic mode at his job.  I'm still steamed at the employees who bring their sick kids into work too.  I have now donated my own bottle of sanitizer and I spray down every surface before I set my child down anywhere.  I'm not a germaphobe but these kids seem to breed super viruses.  My Bug has now had a fever for 8 days.  She had to be catheterized and have blood drawn for them to tell me that it's a virus. 

We're big on letting our kids find their natural schedule and then pretty much making it law, at least in the beginning.  Until they change it again anyway!  By the time they get to be Bean's age (he's currently 3 but this rule has been in play since he was 2), the schedule is the schedule and that's just that.  There are days when we do family things and stay out way past his bedtime, but if you never get to break the rules then you never get that special feeling, right?  That's my view of it anyway.  Rules are meant to be broken sometimes, it's in our very natures.  Or at least mine and Forage's.  :o)  A healthy disrespect for toeing the line your entire life is a good thing.  I'm still working on that.  I have to give more credit to Frog for helping me to enjoy those times instead of worrying about what might happen. 

Anyway,  I also start back to school on the 28th.  I thought that this on-line thing would be perfect, mostly because I can't find care for Bug yet.  I'm not really ready to let her go anyway, because she's not fully mobile, and I have fears of her just being put in some device and left to scream for ages.  But now I'm worried that I won't be able to actually find the time I need to devote to the class, between her naps and all the other duties that come with attending to her and her brother. 

Unrelated but she and I just hung out on my bed today and laughed and she rolled over and then wanted back on top of me to roll off again, and she kept laughing with that gummy mouth . .. it just slayed me.  It was the among the best minutes of my day.  Second time was when I got quality time tonight was with Bean.  We took a great big whirlpool bath together and just laughed and popped bubbles and slid around.  I want to remember these things when they are teenagers and then gone.  It all flies so fast.  It's so cliche but so true at the same time.

I don't notice the first med the doc put me on working at all.  The anti-anxiety is the only thing that seems to put the demons at bay but I'm only supposed to take it at night.  I think I may need something different or an ability to maybe break them up throughout my day.  Why do I always lose my mind at 4 months PP?  Pretty sure there will not be a third.  This makes me said but the odds are too high for me to feel comfortable rolling the dice right now.  Maybe when I get better educated it will change.  At any rate, this does leave me open to be a gestational surrogate which I have always felt a calling to do, especially since I have wonderfully easy pregnancies.  Can you think of something more great than being the vessel that gives some parents the child they want so much?  I can't.

Off to do dread maintenance now.  Not my favorite thing but it's a necessary evil.  Oh, reconnected with an old acquaintance this week and that was really nice.  Reminded me that I'm not a total oddball and maybe, just maybe, I've been trying to fit in with the wrong crowd before.

Oh, and Vote No on TN 1.  Or whatever backwoods amendment your state has cooked up to take rights away from citizens.  Period.  Constitutions were meant to give freedoms, not take them away.

Of me and meds.

It turns out that I'm not really good at posting when I run out of meds and then finally refill the script, only to then forget to take them.  I also stop sleeping and get really pissy because of the withdrawal. 

Some news came down the pipeline about Bean the other day and I'm still having trouble dealing with it.  It doesn't help that Froggie keeps "poo-poo'ing" it in it's entirety.  Sometimes he makes me completely crazy.  This new diagnosis means a new IEP and fighting with the school district for more therapies.  Ugh.  I'm so tired.  I know it's my job to make sure that my kid gets what he needs to be successful in life but damn it all, the hits just keep coming.  I feel like a blow up clown that we had as kids; it had a weight in the bottom so when you hit it it would go down but then it would pop right back up.  Only I'm having trouble with the popping back up part.

I think that Bug has an ear infection that was probably gotten from a virus brought by one of the women's kids at my job, because this particular woman will not keep her sick children at home.  AARRGGGHHHH.  At any rate she has a fever and a personality to match a prickly pear at the moment so I get to go to the stupid ped's office AGAIN tomorrow.  She is making me very angry because she won't let me put her down at all.  Stupid of me to get angry at someone who can't help it.

I know I promised to talk more about myself but I have to go because she won't stop screaming.  Fuck.  This just sucks.

Of naps and work.

I would like to set the record straight.  I love naps.  I always have.  I believe that they should be a mandatory part of every day.  This happens not as frequently as I would like with two kids on different schedules in the house so I'm very tired right now.

I started my new job yesterday.  I hadn't even worked a full shift and I was told that the only perk to this job may be taken away.  Which means that I may not be working there much longer.  I was also told that my hours are being cut in half already.  The big perk is that I can bring my kids with me.  And the other one is that some of the work I can do from home.  That's especially helpful right now since the amount of paperwork and training films I have to watch is outrageous!  That means I don't have to pay for daycare and the money I make can actually come home to pay bills.  They are only paying me slightly more than minimum wage, so it really would not be cost efficient if they say that I can't bring them.  Funny thing is that ALL of the staff work there because of the "bring your kid(s)" bonus.  It certainly isn't the money by itself!  I definitely feel weird about working so soon after having my daughter.  My husband came and picked her up for the last two hours of my shift yesterday and it was really odd to wonder how she was doing.  As it turns out that she was not doing so well and that made my heart hurt when I got home.

In other news, I've decided on pseudonyms for my family members:  My husband shall be referred to as Frog or Froggie, my son will be Bean (as in jumping since that was my nickname for him in utero!), and my daughter will be Bug (as in cute as!).  I'm just lazy and tired of writing out husband, son, daughter so there.

I am also attempting to write more about me and less about them.  So in the news of I'm years behind the rest of the planet . . . I picked up a Sudoku book at one of the multiple airports we went through on our vacation and I love this game!  Admittedly, I suck, but I think it'll be good to try and rewire my brain this way!  By I suck, I mean it's an EASY level book and I can take up to 15 minutes to do one puzzle.  Hey, everyone started somewhere.

Also, I was approached by the director that I performed for earlier this year in my college's performance of The Vagina Monologues and she said that she really hoped that I could be involved again.  I had Bean in a stroller and Bug on my chest in a carrier when she said this and I just thought that it was hilarious.  I'm not sure that'll happen.  I was a million months pregnant for the last production, and I was one of two, out of 10, that was actually doing any work for it. I love the idea and we raised a little over $1,300 for the local women's shelter but I have to learn when to say no and this may be where it starts.  Also, no one who said they would come and see me perform, except for my beloved Frog, came out and that hurt my feelings more than I told anyone.  The only one who is exempt is my friend X. (she can choose her own pseudonym) who is Kenya serving the Peace Corps right now.  I got it on DVD for her once she comes back.  :o)

Final Note:  Meds not working.  I don't see the NP again until next week.  No idea where to go from here.

Day One.

So today was the first day of the new meds.  Not meds for my bipolar problems because those aren't known to be safe for nursing, but meds for the anxiety and the depression that have totally kicked my butt.  When I start calling people and bursting into tears I am very far gone.

Also, I'm trying to think up good code names for my kids but for now I'll just say that my daughter is very sick with a bladder and kidney infection and it may have been the final straw that broke my own personal crazy camel's back.  I am actually going to stop talking about it right now because I feel a panic attack coming on and I think I need to log off.