Oddities.

I feel like I shouldn't even be writing right now since I should be in bed sleeping in preparation for my travels tomorrow but my mind won't turn off.  Bean is at his paternal grandfather's tonight and he broke my heart when he called and said that he wanted to come home.  It's only for two nights.  He'll be okay right? 

This leaves me in an even worse frame of mind for leaving Bug with her grandmother for tomorrow during the day and the night.  She's been so clingy since my last ER visit: it was a debilitating and paralyzing migraine but I'm fine now.  She's also still cutting her molars and now it would seem that my bright idea to air out the house earlier this week caused her allergies to flare and now she's got a summer cold.  Add to this the fact that Frog checked himself into an inpatient rehab for alcoholism on Tuesday and life is mighty surreal right now.  I'm trying to get my house clean for relatives that I've never met in preparation for my mom's memorial service.  I'm doing it all by myself with two bright, energetic kids underfoot.  I've had to ask for help.  I'm not very good at this but it seems to be working.

  I can't talk to Frog since he's in the "black out" period of rehab and that's proving both harder than I thought and also not so bad once I get used to it.  I have found out one important thing.  I miss him when he's not around.  I don't miss the laundry every where or the billion things he does that make my OCD freak out, but I miss talking to him.  That's a good sign I think.  The kids miss him terribly though.  Bean is afraid that I'm going to go missing too and I think that's why he's so upset tonight. 

I agreed to go to my friend's wedding so many months ago that I don't want to back out.  I love weddings.  And this guy deserves the best woman around and it would appear that he's found her and I'm thrilled for them both.  It will be weird going to a wedding by myself though.  I tried to scare up someone who could go with me, to no avail, because I only know the groom and his parents.  But I'm a bright individual and I'm sure I can finagle some sort of conversation from someone.  If it's a total bust I can always go back to my hotel room and read some of the tons of self-improvement books that I've been trying to slog through this year.

I met with my dad on Monday and it went really well.  He's quite a character.  Now I have to try to mend fences wtih his wife and her kids.  I'll do the best that I can but I'm not really hopeful that it'll help.

My brother dogged out on me for the memorial service but he has his reasons I suppose.  I love him but damn I don't know what to do about our funky relationship sometimes.  It hurts that I managed to fuck up so many things at such a young age because I was selfish and ignorant of the far reaches of my actions.  Having my own kids really brought this up to the forefront for me.

I'm mostly packed for my trip tomorrow.  I hope it all goes well.  I keep telling myself that 26 hours away from kids is okay.  For me, it's probably necessary at this point.  I love being a mom but I can finally admit that I'm the sort of mom who needs time alone, or at least without kids, to get recharged.  And it'll be a long few more weeks until I get Frog back to help.  And then he'll have to do tons of meetings and who knows how much help here he'll be but I'd rather have him away in meetings than in bars so I'll try to keep my griping to myself.

Sometimes I think about running away.  No more mortgage paperwork that I have to do by myself.  No more dogs and cats and fish to feed twice a day.  No more constant demands on my time.  No more fighting everyday to see that Bean gets what he needs while also tending to my "typical" child.  I want my body back.  I love nursing but it's been four solid years now.  I can't just give up on Bug but sometimes I can tell that I'm just not feeling it.  I hope I can snap out of this soon.  I'm the only one here.  I can't drop out.  I can't give up.  I can't go away.  But my brain sure wants to do all of the above.  I won't though.  My mom did that and I don't think that I ever forgave her.  I don't want to be away from kids permanently.  I love those kids  I just definitely need to be recharged more than some moms I know.  I need to stop comparing myself and accept the person I am today, flaws and all.  Easier said than done.

Comments

[Carol]

I agree, you needed that time by yourself..
Let us know how you are!