Frog told me yesterday that he thinks that I'm "lazy," and that I'm "milking" my mother's death to avoid housework. The honest truth is that I don't want to clean right now. I don't want to worry about the stupid 65 gallon aquarium, and the community within it. I don't want to pare down our belongings for when the IRS takes our house. I don't want to balance the checkbook. What I want, and am unable to have, is to curl into a fetal position and heave myself about, with soul-wracking sobs and screams for the loss of my mother.
No matter how complicated my relationship with my mother, and it surely was complicated, she was my mom. I'm only 29. I will have questions for what could be 60 years that I will want to ask my mom. She wasn't the same since she got sick, but she was still smart. And even if I didn't take the "advice," there was something in the asking that could soothe my soul about my own, albeit very different, answer.
It also turns out that my mom was one of the few people in my life who could redirect me when I freaked out over the big picture. She could give me one simple task to complete, I would complete it, and it would calm me. If I got wound up again after that task, she would give me the next task that needed to be done, and I would complete it, and usually that was enough to get me going. Now I have to beg friends, and even pay people, to help me with the tasks that Frog wants completed. This is because I am freaking out over the big pictures, and I can't see the trees for the forest. The pressure I feel is so huge that I have contemplated being hospitalized, even without insurance!!, to get some time away to grieve. I figure that's probably a sign that it's pretty bad. I really need to consider asking the doc to up my meds dosage for at least a while.
A big shout out to B., and her entire family, for having me and the kids over today for a lovely time in the country, where Bean could run wild, Bug could pretend to be shy, and I could talk. I needed that tranquil spot, and it's so very appreciated. I didn't even know how much I needed it until we were there and overstaying our welcome.
Another very personal thanks to B. for helping me with my part in my latest play. Listening to my lines as they are meant to be said is proving so helpful that I think the director will be ecstatic!
Losing your Mother is one of the hardest passages to go through. My Mom died 7 years ago. It will take time but you will learn to live without her .
I am glad to hear that you are still acting. That sounds so exotic to me. I am trying to learn to act, actually.
Posted by: Carol | 14 April 2007 at 08:13 PM