A Two Martini Knotty Grrl

Oddities.

I feel like I shouldn't even be writing right now since I should be in bed sleeping in preparation for my travels tomorrow but my mind won't turn off.  Bean is at his paternal grandfather's tonight and he broke my heart when he called and said that he wanted to come home.  It's only for two nights.  He'll be okay right? 

This leaves me in an even worse frame of mind for leaving Bug with her grandmother for tomorrow during the day and the night.  She's been so clingy since my last ER visit: it was a debilitating and paralyzing migraine but I'm fine now.  She's also still cutting her molars and now it would seem that my bright idea to air out the house earlier this week caused her allergies to flare and now she's got a summer cold.  Add to this the fact that Frog checked himself into an inpatient rehab for alcoholism on Tuesday and life is mighty surreal right now.  I'm trying to get my house clean for relatives that I've never met in preparation for my mom's memorial service.  I'm doing it all by myself with two bright, energetic kids underfoot.  I've had to ask for help.  I'm not very good at this but it seems to be working.

  I can't talk to Frog since he's in the "black out" period of rehab and that's proving both harder than I thought and also not so bad once I get used to it.  I have found out one important thing.  I miss him when he's not around.  I don't miss the laundry every where or the billion things he does that make my OCD freak out, but I miss talking to him.  That's a good sign I think.  The kids miss him terribly though.  Bean is afraid that I'm going to go missing too and I think that's why he's so upset tonight. 

I agreed to go to my friend's wedding so many months ago that I don't want to back out.  I love weddings.  And this guy deserves the best woman around and it would appear that he's found her and I'm thrilled for them both.  It will be weird going to a wedding by myself though.  I tried to scare up someone who could go with me, to no avail, because I only know the groom and his parents.  But I'm a bright individual and I'm sure I can finagle some sort of conversation from someone.  If it's a total bust I can always go back to my hotel room and read some of the tons of self-improvement books that I've been trying to slog through this year.

I met with my dad on Monday and it went really well.  He's quite a character.  Now I have to try to mend fences wtih his wife and her kids.  I'll do the best that I can but I'm not really hopeful that it'll help.

My brother dogged out on me for the memorial service but he has his reasons I suppose.  I love him but damn I don't know what to do about our funky relationship sometimes.  It hurts that I managed to fuck up so many things at such a young age because I was selfish and ignorant of the far reaches of my actions.  Having my own kids really brought this up to the forefront for me.

I'm mostly packed for my trip tomorrow.  I hope it all goes well.  I keep telling myself that 26 hours away from kids is okay.  For me, it's probably necessary at this point.  I love being a mom but I can finally admit that I'm the sort of mom who needs time alone, or at least without kids, to get recharged.  And it'll be a long few more weeks until I get Frog back to help.  And then he'll have to do tons of meetings and who knows how much help here he'll be but I'd rather have him away in meetings than in bars so I'll try to keep my griping to myself.

Sometimes I think about running away.  No more mortgage paperwork that I have to do by myself.  No more dogs and cats and fish to feed twice a day.  No more constant demands on my time.  No more fighting everyday to see that Bean gets what he needs while also tending to my "typical" child.  I want my body back.  I love nursing but it's been four solid years now.  I can't just give up on Bug but sometimes I can tell that I'm just not feeling it.  I hope I can snap out of this soon.  I'm the only one here.  I can't drop out.  I can't give up.  I can't go away.  But my brain sure wants to do all of the above.  I won't though.  My mom did that and I don't think that I ever forgave her.  I don't want to be away from kids permanently.  I love those kids  I just definitely need to be recharged more than some moms I know.  I need to stop comparing myself and accept the person I am today, flaws and all.  Easier said than done.

Bits.

Too many things have happened or are going to happen since I've negelected my blog.  Short order to catch myself up.

1.  Having my mother's memorial service this month.  Meeting relatives that I have never met.  House must be clean to achieve some level of sanity.  House is no where near clean and I want to die.

2.  Meeting with my estranged father for the first time in 15 years at a truck stop in Alabama on Monday.  Nervous to the point of wanting to throw up.  Also excited like a kid before Christmas.

3.  Bean was messed up pretty badly by his last crappy ass preschool teacher and we're still feeling the aftershocks.  Not sure if I mentioned it before but he has PDD-NOS, which is an Autism Spectrum Disorder.  SSill haven't told most of the family because fuck them.  He's still the same sweet kid he just needs more coping skills than some of his peers.  And fuck people who want to "cure" autism.  What's next . . . "curing" people who have green eyes (like me?)  or people with a different skin tone?  Hmmmm, why does that sound familiar?

4.  Bug is fine but cutting her 12 month molars at 14-15 months and doing it excuriateingly slowly.  Otherwise she is funny, and cute, and full of toddler curiosity.  She finally began walking shortly after she turned 13 months old.

5.  I am depressed and anxious.  Nothing new I know but it's proving very hard to shake.

6.  I finally found a church that I like attending and every week the pastor's message reverberates through me.  It's wonderful and a little creepy at the same time.

7.  I'm tired of nursing.  It's been almost 4 years.  I feel bad for Bug because my heart just isn't in it anymore.  We're still doing it, and I still have some of those precious moments that steal my breath, but I'm also looking at calendars to try to figure out when I can have my body back. 

8.  Frog is finally going into inpatient rehab for his drinking.  It's either that or a divorce.  I've been on this merry-go-round too long now.  I'm finally realizing that I'm a perfectly capable woman and I can be a good mom anyway that I have to, even if that means doing it alone.  I obviously, would prefer that we can work through this and come out on the other side stronger for the expereince, but I also know that it's a disease of relapse.  The thing that does suck is the 28 days of single parentig that I will experience.  But I can learn from that too.

9.  I'm finally going to get another tattoo.

10.  I have insomnia and no ability to nap because Bean is out for summer break.  It's becoming a dangerous thing.

11. I finally went grocery shopping today.  It had been months since I went for more than bread and milk.

12.  I have but a few female friends that actually stick by me but the ones I have are pure gold and gems.

Trials.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.  - Chinese Proverb

Laughter.

Laugher is an instant vacation.  - Milton Berle (1908-2002)

Grief and Breakdowns.

I finally broke down and seriously cried about my mom last week.  It was certainly not a convenient time as I was going to the full dress rehearsal for the play I was in, but I credit the play with being able to break down the wall that I had built to dam in my anger and pain.  I miss her.  It sounds simplistic, even to me, but that's the long and the short of it.  There's a little bit of self-pity thrown in because I feel like 28 is way too young to be left motherless, regardless of what our relationship may have been.  Then I remember that lots of people, including some of my best friends, have lost parents at earlier ages and I realize that I'm being a bit of an ass.  The play I was in was the first one that my mom didn't come to see.  She even came to see me last year in The Vagina Monologues, and she was really sick from chemo and kept having to duck into the bathroom.  She stayed all the way through my parts and then had to go home but she was there supporting me. 

It's fucked up when I think about how my mom would be the best person to help me get through this, and she's the one person that I can't have anymore.

I went out last night for a "Girl's Night Out."  It was really fun.  I kind of screwed the pooch on one part of the evening but I won't make that mistake again.  I did get to meet Steve McNair though, and have my picture taken with him, so that was pretty cool.  But the women that went last night are all so smart, and funny, and just damn good company that it was just what I needed.  Still weird that my BABYSITTER got in trouble for being out so late.  Long story but it's just odd.

I'm trying to get my life back into some sort of order because I realized last night that mom had only been dead about two weeks when I leaped into the play.  I wanted to do the play and I loved it.  I didn't realize that it would be so helpful to me personally though.  I can cry now when I think about my mom and I feel sad.  Not the wracking sobs of last week, just tears that are healthy and cleansing.  That's a huge step for me right now.  I'm still having trouble when I run into random objects though.  That's the hardest part, when I find something of hers and I feel like I've been punched in the gut.  I found her glasses yesterday and I actually hid them away.  I don't know if that's healthy or not but my mom's glasses were just as much a part of her as her hair or her nose or her legs.  She literally could not see when she didn't have glasses on, as she was legally blind without them.  And I cried at an on-ramp that we used to have to take to get her to her treatments.  This particular on-ramp has been under construction the entire four years that we have lived here.  It was always taking weird turns, that put horrible pressure on my mom and caused her pain, it was never the same for than a month at a time, and she hated it.  The just finished it last month.  I cried because now it's perfect.  Smooth asphalt, no huge pits, smooth gentle curves, and I was sad that my mom never got to ride on it and feel no pain.  Weird.  On ramps and eyeglasses.  I never know what will trigger the sadness.

I don't know that I'll ever stop missing her.

Bean did the sweetest thing tonight.  He came over to me on the couch and asked me if I was his best friend.  I replied that of course he was and I was rewarded with the sweetest sounds I can imagine.  He looked me full in the eyes and said "Mama, you're my best friend too and I love you."  Then he gave me a big kiss and went back to watching the Smurfs.  Oh, how fickle three can be.

Bug is walking full time now and babbling like small woodland creature.  She's always so emphatic and even throws in head nods after some of her "sentences."  I have no idea what she's saying but she's telling me something for sure!  She is getting much more confident when being left with babysitters, and that's a comfort to me especially since my mom isn't around to watch them anymore.

Something else random, I found a picture that I took of Bean at the hospice residence and he still had his long hair.  I cut it all off two days after my mom died.  I just realized that I did it for her just as much for me.  She was always saying how he has such beautiful eyes and we couldn't see them for the hair.  I wish I had done it for her before she died.

Everything else at Chez Knotty is a bit haywire, as usual, but we'll muddle though . . . or we won't.  Part of me wants to run far, far away, and curl into a ball and just thrash and sob for a few days.  It won't happen but I really wish that I could do it.

Jumble, Jumble.

Frog told me yesterday that he thinks that I'm "lazy," and that I'm "milking" my mother's death to avoid housework.  The honest truth is that I don't want to clean right now.  I don't want to worry about the stupid 65 gallon aquarium, and the community within it.  I don't want to pare down our belongings for when the IRS takes our house.  I don't want to balance the checkbook.  What I want, and am unable to have, is to curl into a fetal position and heave myself about, with soul-wracking sobs and screams for the loss of my mother. 

No matter how complicated my relationship with my mother, and it surely was complicated, she was my mom.  I'm only 29.  I will have questions for what could be 60 years that I will want to ask my mom.  She wasn't the same since she got sick, but she was still smart.  And even if I didn't take the "advice,"  there was something in the asking that could soothe my soul about my own, albeit very different, answer.

It also turns out that my mom was one of the few people in my life who could redirect me when I freaked out over the big picture.  She could give me one simple task to complete, I would complete it, and it would calm me.  If I got wound up again after that task, she would give me the next task that needed to be done, and I would complete it, and usually that was enough to get me going.  Now I have to beg friends, and even pay people, to help me with the tasks that Frog wants completed.  This is because I am freaking out over the big pictures, and I can't see the trees for the forest.  The pressure I feel is so huge that I have contemplated being hospitalized, even without insurance!!, to get some time away to grieve.  I figure that's probably a sign that it's pretty bad.  I really need to consider asking the doc to up my meds dosage for at least a while.

A big shout out to B., and her entire family, for having me and the kids over today for a lovely time in the country, where Bean could run wild, Bug could pretend to be shy, and I could talk.  I needed that tranquil spot, and it's so very appreciated.  I didn't even know how much I needed it until we were there and overstaying our welcome.

Another very personal thanks to B. for helping me with my part in my latest play.  Listening to my lines as they are meant to be said is proving so helpful that I think the director will be ecstatic!

Today in America.

"Here's what I thing the truth is: We are all addicts of fossil fuels in a state of denial.  And like so many addicts about to face cold turkey, our leaders are now committing violent crimes to get what little is left of what we're hooked on."  - Kurt Vonnegut

Happy Birthday to Me!!

I've made it through another year, and the wrinkles on my forehead that Bean likes to trace prove it!!

Happy 29th, for real, birthday to me!  I like this getting older stuff, the last two years have brought me so much closer to my center, to feeling like I'm more comfortable in my own skin every day.  It's remarkable really.

And I'm getting a laptop for my birthday so it can't really get much better than this!  Lots of exclamation points today, I'm happy!

Back in action.

I couldn't get enough time on Frog's laptop, or even enough time without some small person needing something from me, to sit down and write.  During our 20 hour drive back home, that ended yesterday at 3:30 pm, I wrote somewhere near a million different posts.  Do I remember any of them now?  Hell no.

I'm going to go talk to a grief counselor tomorrow.  I think I need to do this to get some time and another opinion.  Part of me wants to cancel the appointment.  Pretty standard stuff for me though.

Bean keeps asking where Gramma is and I have to give him the same answers every time and it's tearing me up, for the both of us.  Yesterday was the worst though because he laid his little hand on my check and told me that he "would help me find Gramma."  I sobbed all the way back to the house from the mailbox.  I stopped when I saw Frog, because he won't let me cry.

My home's odor.

I didn't clean the entire time that mom was in the residence.  I didn't clean after she died at all, until today.  I have been doing laundry ever since Tuesday though, because it didn't get done while I was running back and forth either, and it was getting pretty desperate around here!

I also need to get to the grocery but I have a firm rule that I can't shop with my kids because I can't concentrate and it's not worth it if Bean has one of his almighty tantrums in the store.

I got a lot done today which surprises me most of all considering that normally with both of my kids home I can't get anything done.  But Bug was feeling cooperative enough to sit on my hip or toss luandry out of baskets so I could make progress.  I let Bean watch tv because today was a snow day and he's go the double pink eye still.  I think.  Shit, I'm starting to worry that I have it or that Bug is going to get it.  Wash, wash, wash my hands, that's what I'm doing, but we still may end up at the peds tomorrow morning.

I'm trying to go with a friend of mine to get cute pictures taken of the kids tomorrow morning.  I'm hoping that Bean's eye troubles will have finally cleared up.

My mom's remains were delivered today to the house.  After the delivery guy tried to ask me if I could just "meet him somewhere" and he'd give them to me.  Okay, so I'm not comfortable with the idea of transporting my mom's ashes around yet, but I'll drive to exchange them in a gas station parking lot?  I don't fuckin' think so.

I haven't written the obit yet.  I want to.  I need to.  But I just can't seem to make myself do it.  Boop even got me a blank slate to basically just fill in the spots, but I look at it and then I close the e-mail.  What is wrong with me?  I need to get this done.  This just isn't like me.  I'm a tackle the problems, or details, head on sort of person.  I don't want to be in the dead mom club.  Can I get my membership revoked?  This blows.